Hi Zoe
The shock and trauma of your mum's sudden death will have impacted you in lots of ways and it isn't unusual for panic attacks to occur.
Have you spoken to your GP about this ? He or She may be able to offer you some useful support and possibly mild medication. People often shy away from medication but I believe that if there are ways to help we should be open to them and not put ourselves through unnecessary added anxiety. There are other ways of managing panic attacks too and a holistic therapy such as aromatherapy or reflexology can also help. It is very important that you give yourself permission to grieve and that you have space and time to reflect on this tragic traumatic event. Please do contact me if you feel writing to me confidentially might be useful . I am pleased that you have found this site and hope that it will be of use to you. Thank You for sharing here
Thinking of you
Alex
alexjames@bereavement.co.uk   

hi i lost my mum in march due to a massive heart attack i was with her when she passed i tried to help but there was nothing i could do. i was ok for the first 6 week but then everything went bad i had my first ever panic attack on the 11th june and ever since think im going to die the same as my mum, im 22 and losing my mum is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me, she was my best friend. it true when they say you dont know what you got until its gone, i really wish i could cope with this, every minuet of the day i think about her and pray to have her back i just dont know what to do. i cant even visit her grave its to painful. just wish things were different  

Hi JonHangingOn, I think that you don't have to know how to write on here, there is no right or wrong way. I think it helps just to put down how you are feeling. Isn't it the worst feeling in the world to lose your loved on? Until it happens to you, you have no idea what it is like. Maybe it doesn't exactly help to know that there are others who feel like we do, but, hey, aren't we talking to each other, expressing our feelings to someone who understands completely? Perhaps this is what we need. Grief is very personal and I feel very cut off from the outside world. Everyone else is able to get on with their lives, ours has come to a grinding halt. My wife was 52, we ran, cycled, walked, went to the gym and did circuit training. She died from lung cancer even though she never smoked. From diagnosis to the day she died was 4 weeks! I'm still in shock and denial even though it's been 5 and a half months. I'm crying while I'm writing this, apparently crying is good for me, I don't want to cry, I want to laugh again. Trouble is there is nothing to laugh about. I'm opening the wine now, I'll drink to us Jon, keep "HangingOn".

I find myself doing those things too, helping animals all sorts.
Every memory I have of him makes my heart sick further into darkness, I get panicky and so so sad. Its to painful, I miss him I need him. I need to be with him away from this pain. I love him still and forever.
I wake up with him and go to bed with him in my head all the guilt all the good and bad memorys. No one knows the pain of the loosing the only important thing in my life, and I was his.

Thanks for replying.

My thoughts go out to everybody suffering like me.

How truly terrible – what can anyone possibly say except this is just so terribly sad and my heart goes out to you. I cannot possibly give any advice. It seems to be the case that when terrible things happen, at the time of most desperate need, most everybody else copes by pretending it did not happen. For me, they seem to want things to be as they were and for ‘life’ to go on as before – but it cannot, ever.
Some days I can manage a little bit of thinking of all the good times, and not be totally overwhelmed by sadness. I cannot possibly help anybody so I now find myself doing what must seem to be very trivial acts of kindness – recently I rescued a moth from a puddle. I got a lot from that experience. I just wish more people would see that I am just like a moth drowning in a puddle and come to give me a tiny bit of help.
Thinking of you…

Its been a year since my partner was murdered, Im struggling to see the point of my life without me. The pain is unbearable. We had been together for nearly 4 years and we had moved to guatemala and we were finally free from the negative comments made about our relationship. He was 7 years older then me, hard working he was just about to finish his Computer engineering course at uni. We loved eachother so much my life revolved around him and we dreamed of getting married november 13th 2009 and we would always talk about our future, he loved the thought of having some children. I cant live without him my days feel like years, everytime I wakeup I get angry because why havent I gone with him. I ask him everynight to take me with him. The hardest thing was waking up on the 17th of september by his sister shouting they had shot him. I had never gotten out of bed so quickly i asked her what had happend and she said they had shot him and that they had taken him to the hospital so I figured he probably got robbed our something and got shot in the leg but when I arrived at the scene he was lying on the floor covered in blood, there was blood coming out of his ears and mouth, he had been shot 7 times, seeing him like that gave me a heart attack, the ony person I love was there on the floor in such a vunerable state, it just destroyed everything in me and him. That picture of him like that remains in my head till this day. I wish I could of saved him I would of jumped in front of him, I would have died to save him, The bullet holes were in the wall. It scared me and it physically hurts me to think what he thought and did in those 2 seconds before he was murdered. I want the people that payed to have him killed and the people that killed pay by suffering the pain all his family and me have to go through everyday. I want to ask him for forgiveness and I need to feel him hug me and I want to berry my face in his neck and be able to smell him. I talk to him all the time and I think to myself am I going mad, I hallucenate scary things and sometimes think I see him standing n my room. My dad and sister dont want to talk about it they never ask how I am, they dont let me cry and they just dont understand, my dad wants me to go back to collegeb but I cant bare to go back i cant get a job. im mentally struggling to just keepp going. I miss him so much I just want to be with him, and i know that then i wil be free from this pain. i havent smiled for a year i have changed dramatically mentally and physically.

















Its liberating to write this and everybody on this fotum knows how it feels

DanDare - I live on my own as well, family all boys, 'my boys' as my wife always called them, have left home but I know love and care for me and about me. But, each day is so long. I don't know how to write on this forum - I never knew they existed. I have no expertise at all, my life with my wife was just chugging along nicely - family and friends. We didn't want for much just to get out and about together and do things. Then one terrible day it all stopped - in an instant. I walk a lot but have to return to this empty house. I know I am waiting and I feel I will always be waiting. Does it help me to know there are people as sad as me - I don't know. So, yes you have company this night as I sit and drink my wine alone I will think of you. And hope you are safe and warm.

Thanks for replying guys, it makes you realise that you aren't alone in feeling as though God has abandoned you. I am doing all the things I should, I'm having counselling with TENOVUS, like you ANNIEGATES I had to wait 6 weeks, but they are fantastic. I also go to a bereavement group once a month. I take anti-depressants and I'm off work. What a mess I am. JonHangingOn, I wish I wasn't breathing, I could be with Karen and this pain would be over. How did you know I wasn't keeping clean, is this common,or did you get a whiff in the air? My two daughters are being great, but I live on my own like you Christopher, you must feel so alone. I spend most days staring at the TV, waiting till a decent hour to open the wine and get bladdered. I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast. It's nice that we can reach out to each other over the interweb, I really feel as though I have some company tonite. Well I've been going on about me long enough. My heart goes out to you all, fellow grievers, I'm not usually the praying type, but I'll say some for you all. I don't feel in a postion to give any advice yet, but lets keep talking......please.

Hi DanDare
My wife, the love of my life, died some months ago. I have read the books and looked on the Internet and little relates to how I feel. After all how could it, no one else can possibly know how I feel just like no one else can know how you feel. Because, I am unique - I am me, and you are unique you are you. I just seem to achieve so little each day and feel so lost. Recently someone I have not seen for 40 years wrote to me and asked me if I was still breathing. And I realised, for me, just breathing was an achievement, so some of the time I stick with that. 'How are you doing?' people might ask me and from now on I think I will reply 'Breathing'.
Sending this with all best wishes DanDare I think there are a lot of us out there, just hanging on - and breathing.
Take care of yourself - I think this means keep clean and eat.

Hello,   
         I am so sorry for your loss. Inadequate words I know,I feel exactly the same way as you do. I lost my Mum almost two months ago. Although she was not my wife I have lived with her all my life and I am now 45. I never married and as she was ill I was her full time carer for a number of years. My life is so empty now. People I meet say I should start dating. buy a dog or do charity work. I know they mean well but I feel like shouting at them don't you realise I am grieving for my mum. I too find it difficult to eat or sleep, my mind is on mum constantly.I try to go out but as soon as I am out I want to go home and when I am at home I am so alone. I can only say to you take one day at a time, try to be strong as that is what your loved one would have wanted. I keep saying this to myself even though it is so difficult when your heart is broken. I hope this is of some help to you.   
     
                                                                Kind Regards,   
                                                                 Christopher.