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[Alex James]

Article   Is there a life after Death

Alex James

When someone we love dies it leaves us with the unanswered question
“ Where are they?”
 The huge gaping void that they once filled .
“Where ?” I ask myself is my mother, her laugh, the unusual and inventive the chef who filled the house with wonderful cooking aroma, the comedian who even in illness found humour, where is she?
“ Where is my father ? ”, the larger than life philosopher, the booming voice (I can still thank goodness recall to memory his heavy polish accent – the way he’d say my name) my brother where is he? – The jokes and wild stories the gentle listening ear …. I used to call him my oracle – he seemed so wise beyond his years. Can they be gone really gone? I can keep them in my mind and recall them about me if I wish to relive memories but what of them now ?,Are they all somewhere some heavenly abode waiting for me ? If they are in some existence that I am not yet privy to why don’t they communicate in some way - let me know they’re ok ? These are possibly some  of the oldest questions of mankind.
Some people believe they do communicate, Luellen Hoffman writes about special dreams and her belief that those we love communicate  whilst we sleep. Mediums, Spiritualists, Psychics all believe that after death there is something more. I find  conversations with mediums and those who claim to see spirit intriguing but I also have a measure of concern for those desperately seeking some contact who do not receive the snippet of information they need to comfort them and left asking why ? Why has their dearly beloved not come forward to give them something to cling to? Religion offers that after death we become part of an eternal entity.
 On radio news the other day they said that experiments will soon be taking place in the UK and in America to determine whether the near death out of body experience is real. I found myself thinking what a waste of time this will be because there will always be some unanswered part, and there will always be believers and sceptics.
 In my many years of experience working with death and dying I have encountered and been privileged to observe the personal belief systems of many individuals.  I have shared conversations with those with deep religious conviction and those with none. Believe or not? We must decide for ourselves ,some might say I hedge my bets. With regard to specific religion I choose to remain elective, yes I do believe in a greater power, I would like to think that somewhere there is a place that we go to after death and are reunited with those we love. It is a personal thing, and something that each and every one of us has the right to decided for ourselves, we will only know the real truth when we take our final mortal breath.
So how, until that time .do we survive the death of our loved one?,re engage with our life after their death ?,  The void that sits in the physical absence of them , how do we make meaning of the lives we shared with them and the life we are now facing without them. Our world is changed. Parents who lose a child frequently write to me about the sense of loss of self …. Who are we now?  The presence of others in our lives gives us identity we are son’s daughters, partner’s wives husbands and parents. When they die do we still call ourselves parents and siblings ? When a parent dies we are still their child are we not? Finding ourselves and adjusting to a new self after the death of a loved one is a very difficult journey. The pain of absence can feel too huge to endure. I will never get over this – Things will never be the same (two common statements after death), Living with loss, waking to each new day and the challenge of finding a way of survival.
There is this unspoken sense of having to let go of expectation that we get better. Do we really want to let go. Must we let go and why? As for getting better – are we ill? Is this grief something from which we recover? I think not , rather through my work with the bereaved I seek out  life meaning , encourage holding on and activating  a healthy ongoing relationship with the deceased, accepting that we do not get better but work towards manageability. Finding a place within where the loved one stay remembered and still offering all that ever was as we draw upon those memories. This internalising our loved one can be a very comforting experience as we make meaning of their lives, gather their stories and weave them into our own.
In my own experience  then  My fathers voice , my mothers humour , my brothers advice and support are now all meaningful gifts  these gifts can never be taken by their physical absence but will remain with me in a very personal way forever.

Alex James