The Meaning We Make by Alex James

(adapted from an article in the FST) 

 As I ponder this I think about the many times my clients have told me stories of meaning making … of coincidences and connections, serendipity, déjà vu and synchronisity.   I recall the granddaughter of one of my clients telling me how just after his death a huge owl had appeared in the garden she then connected this to an ornament of an owl kept by his bedside, making a statement of I think it’s a message.

“What do you think the message is?” I enquired  “That he’s okay “she replied confidently.

On the surface its easy to make connections seem as though they have some hidden meaning when we are vulnerable or in a place where an event such as the death of a loved one leaves us seeking an answer.

At a friend’s  funeral the flowers slid from the top of the coffin as we listened to his epitaph  “He was never one for flowers “ someone commented afterwards. Whilst I found myself thinking about the relationship between he and his wife pre his death( they had lived very separately) her outpouring of grief at his departure and abundance of flowers– hers falling from the coffin,did cause some knowing glances and amusement.

Maybe they just weren’t secured?

What a huge responsibility amidst all of the emotion and meaning making we who work with the bereaved carry. How vital that no mistakes are made lest they be attributed initially to some coincidental force at work .And what if all of these incidents, and I’m sure you can recall experiences of unexplainable coincidence, do carry meanings?

Quite often the bereaved attach significance to even the smallest details, death is not something we can fathom and so we embark on a journey of loss and meaning making, of trying to come to a place of acceptance.

How do we who support and work with the bereaved ?How do we manage these experiences whilst avoiding becoming  entangled with our clients ?and how do we resist adding our own similar experiences to theirs?

I suppose we must start by asking ourselves  what are we seeking to do. Offer comfort perhaps ?Provide a space for self work ?  Simply be there and bear to hear without judgement.

Maybe, there certainly is a hidden meaning to the black bird in your garden that you never noticed before, or to the fact that we share the same name, or that we knew your deceased through some unrelated chain of events.

The drive to put something together that means something when we are faced with nothing is it simply a human need?

The ability to hold on to one’s own experience and not become overly involved in that of the clients is a difficult task. In my counselling / supporting practise I am a listener , reflecting what is being said and aiding the client towards self-examination of their meaning making .Accepting that whatever they feel the meaning is is okay  for them.

On a personal note of-course I’ve spotted white feathers in strange places, coincidently met with someone that I hadn’t seen for years and experienced the driving need to make meaning of little incidents . I’d really like to hear your stories

If you’d like to comment or share an experience please contact me alexjames@bereavement.co.uk 

© Alex James